Until I had one myself, I never knew how painful it could be. Until I had one myself, I never knew just how many woman have suffered in the same way. Until I had one myself, I never knew I was capable of loving so deeply someone I had never even met. Until I had one myself, I never knew how utterly alone I could feel. Until I had one myself, I never knew...
October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Statistics say that 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. I had my first miscarriage in October 2006. It was a life changing experience I will never forget. Although my heart has healed since then, I remember the feeling of complete hopelessness all too well. I thank the Lord for carrying me in his hand during that time of healing. I can only pray that my story will bring a glimpse of hope to someone struggling with wanting something so badly, and not being able to control it.
Here are some journal entries from 2009. They describe how I felt in the beginning stages of my pregnancy with Hagen. His pregnancy came as quite a surprise, after suffering four miscarriages in a row!
On March 23, I had my first ultrasound. It was like the others I had seen before with my miscarriages. I had a perfectly shaped yoke sac, and the beginnings of a fetal pole. It was too early to see anything else, and I would have to wait a couple of days to find out how things were progressing. On a positive note, my bloodwork numbers looked great, the hcg had more than doubled, and my progesterone levels were excellent.
On March 27, I saw my baby's heartbeat for the first time. It was just a flash, but the heart was beating! My Dr. said we still needed to wait one more week before we were out of the woods...
On April 1, we saw the heart beating again! This time the baby and sac were much bigger, and the heartbeat much more visible. This brought tears to our eyes! Now the Dr. said we could be very optimistic. And we were....
On April 13, we saw a much larger sac and baby, with a very strong heartbeat. I would never tire from that sight!
Today is April 19, and I am 9 weeks, 3 days pregnant. I have to pinch myself every time I think about it.
Although I am very sick to my stomach everyday, and I feel as if I have molasses running through my veins, I am thankful every moment for the gift of life growing inside of me. Not a second goes by that I take this baby for granted. I am still scared of all that can happen in the next 7 months, but for now, all is well and I am thankful!
There you have it, the happy beginning of my precious baby boy's heartbeats. Not many days go by that I don't look at him in awe and think, "Wow, I am one lucky Momma!" Now he is almost one year old, and I still love to hear his little heart beating. Sometimes I place my ear on his chest, right over his heart and just listen to that sweet, sweet sound.
Although my story has a happy ending, I am remembering those today who are still suffering.
Please join me in remembering all of the babies that have been lost during pregnancy, at, during or
after birth and pray for continued healing for their parents.